Software Secret Weapons™

 
Funny Software Engineering Job Posts
by Pavel Simakov on 2007-05-07 16:14:18 under Great People, view comments
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Reading local job posts is a great way to learn about what other people are doing in the city. As Paul Graham mentioned a while ago, you got to watch your competitor’s job openings to make sure they don't hire all the Lisp (these days - Ruby) programmers in town.

Often, as I read these software engineering job descriptions, a lot of funny things jump right at me. The job posts are moderately funny when written by the hiring folks or the young entrepreneurs. Both seem to have little knowledge about the technology, software or even the meaning of some basic terms. Some of the funniest job posts come from all kinds of privacy violators, miss-representers, seducers and dirty headhunters.

It got so funny at one point that I decided to collect the funniest job post quotes in one place. These below are the exact quotes taken from the online job sites. One thing for sure, the jobs posts from jobs.joelonsoftware.com are less funny, but more likely to be fulfilling, compared to jobs I found at other places!

If you are writing these job descriptions for a living – I deeply respect your necessary and immensely difficult work of attracting and keeping great people. But it does sound funny at times! If you have some other funny job descriptions - let me know, they’ll be posted here.

Weird Job Skills & Super Abilities

  • Outstanding ability to mentor a team of less senior, but talented engineers
  • The ability to isolate issues with strong debugging skills
  • Well-organized and can work independently under constant deadlines
  • Be able to specifically communicate and to impose coding standards and methodologies on developers
  • Be able to advise management on realistic timeframes for development tasks within a tight schedule
  • Ability to adjust to different development paradigms
  • Versatility with computers and software packages
  • You must be able to write code from scratch (and know when it's appropriate to reuse existing code)!
  • To qualify for this position you need to be a strategic, effective implementer who thrives on the success in developing a referenceable client base
  • Complete knowledge of C and Unix
  • (candidate has) A persistent approach to all things and does not give up along the way
  • Willing to teach as part of a group
  • Must be an analytical individual who questions why things are done and applies intelligence to resolve issues
  • Ability to fully design and document a software project
  • 15 years of Java experience

Funny Job Titles

  • Email Architect
  • Wireless Project Manager
  • MySql / Delphi Assasin
  • French Bilingual Help Desk Analyst
  • Data Scrapping
  • Who's Who of Bay Area Testers
  • Geeky, Passionate Visual C++ Software Programmer
  • Windows Application Crash-Inducer
  • Head of Website Development
  • GUI Architect
  • VBA Rock Star
  • Architectural Designer
  • Subject Matter Expert
  • Java Virtuoso
  • Fearless Bug Hunter
  • Merge Engineer
  • PeopleSoft Upgrade Architect
  • Interactive Developer
  • Functional Consultant
  • Customer Designer
  • IT Architect - Middlewear
  • Email Privacy/Deliverability Specialist
  • .Net Ninja
  • Test Associate for First Person Shooter
  • Java Freaks
  • 3 Person Company Needs 4th

Crazy Job Descriptions

  • The successful candidate will be highly organized, independent, and brilliant at prioritization and crisis management
  • Previous experience an asset but not a must
  • So, this would probably be best for someone who is fairly new to getting paid for this type of work, but is also an awesome coder.
  • I need a complex database built in Access
  • Looking for someone experienced with insight to drive consistency to maturity
  • Written requirements will be provided to qualified respondents

Bizarre Job Functions

  • You will hack out code like a SUPERSTAR
  • Plots out organization of programs and needed algorithms
  • Early on you'll be coding Web pages and forms, making corrections and hooking up applications at the back end. (...) Later you'll lead teams on major Web site development
  • Using your brain to figure out where the serious bugs are
  • Creation of key deliverables associated with the project effort
  • Perform other duties as requested and assigned
  • Extend architecture as needed
  • Assigning tasks to team members to reach development deadlines
  • Identify program improvements or corrections for programmers
  • Observation of computer monitor screens during program test to detect error codes or interruption of program

About the Company

  • We're not interested in working with Ruby developers who don't understand that sound business decisions can make all the difference from good to great, so make sure that you understand how market valuations fluctuate depending on the laws of supply and demand
  • We’re three full-time employed 30 something’s working for the man but desperately wanting another option, a way out of the rat-race and into the money-tree we keep reading about in magazines, newspapers etc. etc.
  • We are Providing the following: (...) *PAID HOLIDAYS *FREE GREEN CARD PROCESS *FREE LATEST HOT SKILLS UPDATION PROGRAMME
  • Leading systems integration company, willing to train on proprietary software in exchange for your long term commitment
  • We aren’t looking for a mindless test monkey to sit in a tiny cubicle (...) . We move quickly and always have something new to dig into and test before rollout. More importantly, we have free soda and junk food.
  • People who are logical in their thinking, are intellectually smart, and are able to organize thoughts
  • Our client is geographically challenged

Other Bloopers

  • This is a "per job" position.
  • employee-friendly culture
  • 401-K plan, cafeteria plan, and other program benefits
  • Compensation: $500-$800 depending on Speed
  • Potential contract to hire presents a long term career opportunity

Comments (2)

  • Comment by Ed Smiley — May 6, 2009 @ 8:32 pm

    I really appreciate “Middlewear”. I think there is an opportunity to add an entire section forfunny tech-misspellings.

  • Comment by Ed Smiley — May 12, 2009 @ 11:35 pm

    I just saw this one (number changed to protect the guilty:

    Required Skills
    Strong oracle database skills
    Pl/sql

    Scripting (can be Korn, shell, bash)

    Java
    Hibernate
    Struts
    Springs<–

    Sounded pretty good until then. And it was not a mattess company.


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